Before my son turned 1, we introduced the importance of 'manners' He is 2 now and every time I say: "Thank you" He replies with: "You're welcome Mom!" Every time he receives something, he replies with: "Thank You" or when he's after something, he asks with "Please Mom, Please Mom?" (Mind you at times, I have to remind him - because it needs to be consistent) But overall he is doing a great job. When I take a step back & watch how he uses his manners with other family members or even a shop keeper, I quietly say a little thank you to myself for keeping up with that habit & another thank you to my mother who raised me the same way. To others I may come off strict when it comes to my son but when I see the person he's becoming, he's exactly the type of kid anyone could fall in love with. In this journey through motherhood, I've learned that it's best to be firm when raising a child. Their mind is at a sponge where they absorb everything & anything. Boundaries should be put in place & discipline should be in order. Ofcourse, each parent has their own parenting style but here is what I found helped with me.
- Consistency - If you're trying to develop a habit eg manners - it's good to be consistent. If they demand things, don't give it until they say PLEASE. If they throw a tantrum, still don't give in to make them hush quickly, you have to stand your ground. When they recieve something, ask them: "What do you say?" and you keep saying that until they respond with "Thank you."
- Lead by example - If you're trying to teach something to a child, remember YOU are their first teacher. They aren't going to remember what you said because they go by what they see. So if you want to teach them manners or what "NOT" to say, make sure that you also speak to him in the same manner & refrain from using language that you wouldn't want him/her to speak.
- Be firm - There's a big difference between using a firm voice & raising your voice. You don't want to raise your voice & scare your child but you do have to come off with a strong tone, so they know that their behavior is unacceptable. In my opinion, yelling doesn't help at all (instead you will lose your voice) but that's my personal opinion.
- Discipline - I got smacked as a child & I'm glad I did. There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between smacking & physical abuse. You smack a child, you smack them so they feel it a little because they need to know they have crossed their boundaries. I find that "Time out & Yelling" doesn't help for some kids but each to their own. Physical Abuse, is constantly hitting a child with excessive force for a small or no reason at all which causes critical injuries/bruises to the child.
- Compliments/Encouragments - A child feels determined to fulfil the task when you encourage them (like any of us would feel) So when Ayrai (my son) is doing new things, we would encourage him by saying: "You can do it son!" "You're almost there!" etc. And when he has completed or has accomplished something, we compliment him by saying: "Well done!" "Good job!" "Great work son!" Everyone including children want to feel important, needed & loved.
- NO means NO! - This is something I've planted in Ayrai's mind that if we say NO, that means NO. This sets the boundary between a parent and child. No arguments or tantrums. It strictly means no. I find that if you are consistent with this RULE, they will adjust and won't have a fit when you say no. They will understand & respect that.
- Respect is 2 ways NOT 1 - Some parents believe that because they are "Adults" and are "Parents" a child is to always respect them but they aren't to respect a child. Personally, this shows a child that respect is a 1 way street when infact it's 2 ways. Because you can't have someone respecting you & you don't respect them. If you want a child to listen to you, you also must listen to your child & their needs. Acknowledge what they've said because a child deserves to be heard too.
- Leave them to explore - It's a maternal extinct that we always want to be there to protect our babies in the most critical stages of growing up & want to do things for them. But there isn't any harm in letting kids do things for themselves. As soon as I saw my son sitting up at 5 months, I basically left him on the floor on his own to play & I would watch him as he tends to use his skills to figure things out. As he grew, I still let him discover things on his own. There are times I would play with him & interact & then there are times, I'll sit back & watch him use his mindset & skills to get things done. It's the only way I knew how to find out how his mind works. This is an excellent way to discover who your child is & a great way for him to learn how to do things for himself & new skills.
These are just a few of things. Afterall this is only my opinion. Everyone has their own techniques, their own parenting skills. In no way or form am I telling people how to 'parent' but this is for anyone who is curious on how some people raise children or some great advice for 1st time parents. As I still have a lot to discover, these are things I wish to share.
-CJM
